Lovino's Lamentations
by Kakyoku no Kaze
Summary: A continuation from A Knight's Night, except told from Lovino's point-of-view. Loosely based on the Cardtalia universe. Antonio is the Knight of Hearts while Lovino is a gardener. Antonio feels he is protecting Lovino by keeping his secret, but he doesn't know that Lovino knows a lot more than he would like.


"I'm off, _mi amor_~!"

Peeking past the frame of the kitchen door, I watch you head off to train the rookies again. Every day at seven sharp. Same old routine. I have a routine, too. Though mine isn't as strict as yours. If I'm five minutes late, the tomatoes won't say anything. I have time to finish my breakfast.

Looking down at a half-eaten muffin, I sighed as I knew I couldn't trick myself into finishing the whole thing. Pushing the plate aside, I tried to swallow some milk instead. My mind was filled with disturbing thoughts, because _it _happened again last night.

I don't know if you have ever realized this, but I've managed to witness your little talks with yourself on more than one occasion already. Those moments when you stare into a mirror, a piece of armor, anything that reflects. Sometimes it's just the wall. But every time I hear it- your argument with yourself. Your voice only differs slightly, but it's still _you_. Though, I know it's not just you.

I don't know if you know this, but I know about it-your condition. Having a brother who's the Jack helps at times like these. The first time I witnessed one of your self-arguments was the night we stayed out to watch the fireworks for the Harvest Festival. Perhaps it was because you were exhausted from having to work doubly hard around that time or maybe the bangs from the fireworks reminded you of your life before the castle, but _it _came out. When you thought I was slipping asleep, I heard it. If only you knew how scared I was to hear what you were saying to yourself. At first, I thought those were your thoughts. That you wanted to again take down the kingdom, that you wanted to kill everyone you knew. That's what drove me to find out more about you behind your back. I had to know.

I spent afternoons in Feliciano's room reading up on you. I have to hand it to the Hearts Face Cards-they are thorough. Every single day you were held in captivity was outlined in archived journals. I read about your nightmares, I delved deeply into your seeming split personality. I spent so many hours in the gardens thinking about you, more than you'd ever know. I'm sorry. But they weren't all good thoughts.

Getting up, I took the uneaten muffin half and went out to the tomato gardens. Along the way, I crumpled it into tiny crumbs which I scattered along the grass for birds to eat. Waste not, right?

The tomatoes help me. They never judge, they never talk back. They're good companions even though it's a pretty pathetic thought. As I start watering them, I think back to the argument you had with yourself the previous night. You mentioned me, or, should I say _it_ mentioned me. I don't know what to call it. The Voice? The Curse? I'll settle for _it_ since _it _doesn't really deserve anything better.

Bending down to pull a stupid beetle from the leaves of a tomato plant, I got angry and crushed it shell and all in my fingers. The hose's water washes away its guts. As I stare at the rivulets of the water snaking over darkening dirt that was becoming mud, I couldn't help feeling hatred for that thing. Like the bugs that tried to attack my tomatoes, that thing was nothing more than a parasite to you. As far as I could tell, it resided inside you, only taking over your body and voice when it gained control. And it seemed it gained control whenever it damn well pleased. It was the worst kind of parasite. It was a cowardly one. I couldn't crush _it_ even if I wanted to, but, _Dio_ forgive me, I've thought long and hard about all the ways I could if I ever had the chance to. My favorite method by far is stabbing _it_ until _it_ couldn't move anymore, then grinding _it_ up into paste for meatballs. I wouldn't eat _it_ of course. But at least this way I'd know _it_ was good and dead. Admittedly, I've had to visit the confessional booth a lot ever since I discovered _it_. . . Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've had murderous thoughts about the fucking parasite that's trying to make _mio novio_'s life hell.

It sucks. I feel so damn helpless. I want to help you, but, at the same time, I can't. But I'll find a way. Somehow, someway, I will find a way. Even if I don't say it aloud, I love you Antonio Fernández Carriedo. You're everything to me. Without you, I'm nothing, no matter how sappy that sounds. But. . . it's true. Only you ever showed me the true value of self-worth. You paid attention to me when no one else would. You encouraged me to be the best I could. And I will be, Antonio. I will be the best I can for you.

I'll do anything, Antonio. I'll do anything I can to help you even if it means I'll have to save you from yourself.


End file.
